Tick, tock went the clock and suddenly, we find ourselves living in the last day of the year.
A sharp, shift drop in temperature and I find myself; hiding from (what were) moderately icy winds, wishing the sun would stay and keep us warm a little longer; planning for numerous birthdays (excluding my own; I love my birthday, but am ambivalent on making plans to celebrate it); shopping for numerous gifts for Christmas; yearning for the hazy period called 'Twixmas', 'Crimbo-Limbo' etc, and desperately wishing for a never-ending stream of hazelnut hot chocolate. My excuse of indulging in this delightful (sugary) beverage 'to keep warm' is growing thin; Mild December days have been our norm, not icy winds, not even the moderate kind. But they've all, as they always have been, my personal reminders that the end of another year is upon us.
This year, has been a year. It's the only way I can describe it. It has been filled with euphoric highs and bitter sorrows. There's been no residing in the in between. I somehow find myself the age of 32 and I cannot for the life of me, literally, understand where time has flown. And I find myself the age of 32 with life looking a lot different to how I'd imagined it in my twenties. Is that the reason why I've experienced such high highs and low lows? Perhaps, perhaps not. I can explain more in another post next year...(I had to!).
But I carry a few lessons with me that have changed my outlook and mindset, and believe, if I hold onto them, will help me live a much freer 2024.
1) Control is a curse.
I always knew I was resilient, though stubborn could also be the word used, when it came to particular things I wanted. They are always career-minded, mind you. For example, if I wanted to be a yoga teacher, I was going to become a yoga teacher, and I would plan every moment to the last second of my path to get there. And, God forbid, should that way not work, I have a Plan B. I would actually have Plan A through Z and if none of those worked, I'd create an entire new alphabet with letters in which to create plans under. It was going to work out my way. It had to. It must. It would.
I'll explain in another post, but during the latter part of this year, there was something I wanted to do, and as I explained above, I formulated an entire plan to get there.
Only Plan A didn't work. Neither did B, C, D all through to Z.
None of them worked. Not one.
What does one then do? When none of the plans you've created and celebrated and cried over come to fruition?
Do you kick and curse?
Resist the itch to surrender?
Of course, you would. One shouldn't give up so easily.
But then, if one could perhaps, for a second, just one, look up and take that one second to wonder why none of the plans are working...is there a reason? Is this the wrong path? Are you, perhaps, just maybe, going the wrong way? What if it's not the goal that's the issue but the P-L-A-N-N-E-D journey to get there? Could that be why? There is a reason. You just have to relinquish your desire for control to see it.
I learnt this beautiful truth in the latter part of the year, but not without succumbing to depression and having emotional scars only God can heal. Many of my scars were self-inflicted, and I wouldn't have endured such pain, if I'd only taken a moment to listen instead of trying to control everything.
However, as is human nature, life's wisdom is often learnt from hardship.
I am lighter and freer when it comes to my life's planned journey for 2024. Why? Because, for the first time in my life, I actually want to be surprised by where life takes me. And when I say life, I mean God. He knows where I'll end up anyway. So, instead of mapping out my entire life for myself, I've decided to allow God to lead. My part to play? Still having a goal, but asking God for wisdom, guidance and direction in getting there, if it's His will and being flexible with how it unfolds. If it's not His will, for Him to pivot me in the right direction. I want to see where I'll be by this time next year, simply by giving God the space to do what He wants to do and I can honestly, with my hands on my heart, say I no longer feel imprisoned, stressed, depleted or lost. I'm nervous but wholly excited for my 2024.
2) Memes just simply aren't worth it.
In my quest for a quieter, simpler and freer life, I am now social media-less.
I'd deleted Facebook over a decade ago, Snapchat after a few months back in 2018 and Instagram in 2019. I only had Twitter left. But this year, I'd been weaning myself off. One week I could spend Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays on it while the following week I would spend time on it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And to be honest, it was only because of the memes/gifs. I found people on Twitter highly hilarious and I love a good meme.
But that was the only thing keeping me there.
I've never stayed on social media apps long, apart from Twitter. I'd been on Twitter from 2011 - 2014, then had a life free of twitter for five years from 2014 - 2019 but hopped back on so I could promote my blog. But I found my heart heavier and fuse shorter every time I left the platform; people hurling abuse towards each other, videos being shared of people doing interesting things just for engagement, lies being shared as truth, harmful and highly dangerous social 'advice' being lauded and followed, people wishing harm to others who have something they desire, cruelty towards people finding small joys in their everyday and sharing it, nonsensical arguments every day...and all in one concentrated area?!
Self-awareness is one of the greatest gifts...and it's free.
I still have so much to learn about myself; I always will. But I know myself enough to know that all those things I listed, I don't stand for, believe in or agree with. I find in them no peace, no quiet, no freedom. So, if that's the case, why was I still on it? Did my love of memes/GIFS triumph over my beliefs? Did I think social media wouldn't affect me because I'm aware of these horrible things some people were doing and didn't actively participate in them? I might not have participated, but by simply browsing and looking at the comments with memes, I was a spectator and soaking in all of these things which I despised, whether I realised it or not. Is that any better? If it's peace, freedom, simplicity and quiet I wanted, then I have to rid myself of things that brought me the opposite.
And that, for me, was social media.
When I deleted my account this morning, I can't tell you how, but I looked out at the sky and for the first time in a while, the world seemed larger. And it was a beautiful moment. Had social media, Twitter in my case, somehow over the years made the world appear smaller?
I have control over what I allow in my space (that type of control isn't a curse but a responsibility) and I've always believed my space to be sacred. I must be vigilant and filter everything so I don't just let in anything. Things that could corrupt the way I perceive the world and myself, I don't want anywhere near me.
So, for all the pain I've experienced in 2023, I leave this year with a few more treasured lessons, a clearer mind, freer soul and fresher outlook. I know no other way I'd want to start a new year. My prayer is that I'm kept healthy in mind, body and soul, and actively seek out and follow the things that won't stunt my growth, but help it to flourish.
I hope you have the most amazing entrance into the new year! See you all, I'm hoping, healthy in every way, in 2024.
All my love,
Lami-Elizabeth
xoxo
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