Lessons I'm Learning to Keep Sane During Covid-19

I know I'm not the only one who just feels so strange; you've seen people speaking about how this pandemic has really messed with them, though it may be in different ways: mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and/or spiritually, but you've seen it around. Perhaps, you're one of them. Perhaps you're one of us.

When the world went into lockdown 40 years ago, back in March, I used the bizarre circumstance to work on my lifelong dream. 'Why not?' I thought. My contract was rounding up and I was already planning on taking four months off of work as I wanted an opportunity to focus solely on my dream, not knowing that I was going to be at home working on my dream involuntarily anyway.

Seven months later, I'm still working on my dream, but finding that I'm having to work on other things that hopped onto this journey too without asking my permission.

You see, I'm one of those types of people who you'll never know something is wrong unless I verbally express so. I can masterfully plaster a beaming smile on my face and melt a touch of joy in the tone of my voice, and you'll never know that inside I'm crying. It's something I've learnt to do. I've always felt bad about feeling upset as people used to tell me I had no reason to be upset as there was so much to be grateful for. People also used to say I shouldn't be upset because Lami's always happy - it's one of the downsides to being happy-go-lucky and free-spirited as people always assume that nothing could ever make me sad - and so, therefore, I should never be. So I took both of these opinions on and whenever I felt upset, I internalised my sadness. But come this pandemic season, I find that I'm struggling to keep my melancholy inside.

I'm overjoyed with how far I've come with my writing when it comes to my dream, but I also haven't had a paying work contract for a few months; the fashion industry dried up for a while because the industry completely shut down. Now, with roles starting to come back, but with so many unemployed, competition is rife and I find that I'm competing for contracts with over 1,500 skilled people. For the same one role. Yes - this actually happened, just last week in fact. 

Millions of people are suffering and here were (and still are) frontline workers, giving their entire energy and most of their soul to help others, and here I was, not being able to help. I have tried as much as I can to help people wherever and however I can but I feel like my efforts don't add up to anything. 

Being what the government have called 'a vulnerable person', I have to limit my outdoor exposure so as to minimise my possibility of catching Covid-19. During the spring/summer, nature was my therapy and healer, but with winter fast approaching, my time outdoors is becoming less and less - I unfortunately suffer from asthma and cold air is something that triggers it for me so I can't stay outdoors for too long. But with galleries, museums, cinemas, volunteering centres, libraries, restaurants, jazz café's etc barely open, if at all, I have nowhere I can go, and so find myself looking at the same four walls day in and day out.

Every time I turn on the news, go on twitter or go onto my phone to see who's just whatsapped to tell me the latest trending story, I believe more and more that I'm a day away from the world collapsing in on itself. There's so much going on and it's all happening at the same time. I hear one thing and just when I've tried to come to terms with it, and I mean barely, something else happens. It's as though my mind can't catch a break. It's doom and gloom everywhere and it feels as though there's no escaping it. I have many moments when after hearing about horrifying news, even if it's just gone 9am, I'm ready to slide under my covers, curl up into the foetal position and sleep until I can wake up in a liveable era.

I've tried putting on my façade and masking away my true feelings, but I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy to pretend. 

So what lessons have I learnt during this time?

 I feel dejected, helpless and my spirit feels heavy most of the time, and that's alright. It's better to be free in this, giving myself the space and time to navigate through how I'm feeling, than trying to deal with this while pretending that everything is alright and trying not to slip up so no-one will detect that anything is wrong.

Denying, trivialising or ignoring feelings will not benefit us in anyway as they're simply being suppressed and not dealt with. We need to be brave and fight through them, no matter how painful.

We are going through a tumultuous time. No-one could've predicted the world would be like it is right now, so how I'm feeling, how you may be feeling right now, is a direct result of what's going on around us.

It's also perfectly okay to be grateful for one thing to be seemingly going well while simultaneously being upset that other things aren't going great. We are complex beings and our emotions can be too. 

Being upset doesn't make me any less grateful for things that are going well or the small wonders I get to experience in my day to day.

 Telling people to stop being sad or they have no reason to be upset is actually a lot more damaging than you think - you're dismissing their feelings and it leaves a lot of people feeling misunderstood and alone. So please, stop.

Allow them their space and instead be there with them. It's through this process of navigating through our mood/emotions, that we'll be able to experience a little more freedom and channel the experience into opportunities for growth.

It's easy to feel helpless when there are people out there who are doing so much. If you find yourself feeling this way, stop. Don't think about the thousands of people you can't reach, instead, just think about the one that you can. There are many different ways of helping: sending a card to a loved one or a key worker to express your gratitude, volunteering as a telephone befriender to the elderly to keep their spirits up, sending a text message to people struggling with their mental health, volunteering at a local food bank etc.

If one thousand people did just one of these these things, think of how much of a difference it would make. We might not be able to medically save people's lives but if we can help them mentally, emotionally, spiritually or financially then we're playing our part. (See links below for volunteering opportunities)

I'm a freelancer and in my years of being so, I've never been this long without work - it's been two months, almost three, and it's unsettling; I like working and do enjoy what I do, but I have been praying to God for a while for time or a role that will allow me to work on my dream. If I keep working how I have been, my dream will slip further and further out of my reach as the time I need to focus on it, I'll be dedicating to working for someone else. Now, using my days to work on my dream instead of for a company, I've passed a milestone that I can assure you I wouldn't have passed for a good few years had I been working. So, though this wasn't what I expected, my prayer was answered.

I've always been very careful with who I allow in my space but I sometimes slip up when it comes to what I allow. This pandemic season has given me a refresher course in my power of saying no not just to people but to certain mediums too. 

Apart from twitter, I'm not on social media, however, I decided to delete the internet off of my phone - it was my way of accessing twitter and google for the news, so now, I can only access them via my laptop which I use during the day. 

I've also given myself a rule of only using twitter for one hour a day - I can break that up during the day how I wish - and listening to the news for 30 minutes. The news can incapacitate me so I need to be wary of how I much I read or hear.

I'm still struggling and find myself wanting to curl up and disconnect from everything and everyone most of the time. But I know, in the deepest part of my soul, that this season won't last forever. So, I'll take each day as it comes, remember to be kind to myself, help the one person I can today, guard my sacred space and hold on to the fact that this season may not be what I envisioned but maybe God will use it to direct me onto the path He always wanted me on.

WAYS TO HELP:

1) Volunteer to write letters to NHS frontline workers or elderly people in care homes: https://www.thecrisisproject.com/

2) Volunteer as a telephone befriender for elderly people: https://www.ageuk.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/telephone-befriender/

3) Volunteer to send a text message to people who are struggling with their mental health:https://giveusashout.org/volunteer-shout/